I feel as though my parent’s have raised me to be an upstanding citizen. Of course I make mistakes like anyone else, but I try so hard to please everyone that I come in contact with . I am the type of person that says yes to anything people ask me to do, as long as it doesn’t harm me or anyone else, and even though I know that I can’t handle everything that people ask me, I do it anyway, and I get awfully frazzled. I stretch myself thin, but I just don’t want anyone to be mad at me or disappointed with me. Every time I say no, I have an immediate feeling of guilt, and I usually rescind and do whatever it is anyway.
I have definitely created “monsters” all around me. Now that people know I always say yes, I would say I have a nice little “fan club”. But in my heart, I know these people aren’t really my friends at all. It is as simple as it is. They need something, and good old Tiff will do it. I can’t even lie about it, sometimes I don;t even try to hide my annoyance towards these people. Even so, I still do it. And I kick myself. Many times the things people ask me to do aren’t really significant. Silly things like watching residents while they have to do other things (the thing they usually have to do is go putz around in the hallways), give people rides, lend money (even though I barely have two pennies to rub together), and the list could go on, but I think you guys get the gist.
I love helping people for the obvious reasons. I pride myself in the fact that people can rely and depend on me. That is something that I would certainly consider one of my best features. I’ve never really felt a sense of appreciation, except from my family. I also think that it is my fault. I’ve done so many things that it’s just automatic for people. I don’t get a please, thank you, anything. People actually seek me out from all over the place to see if I will do something for them. And the only thing that I would like in return is a “Thanks Tiff.” That’s it, honest.
Now this instance is not significant, but I am going to write about it anyway, just to give you guys an example of what I am talking about, and how people act. I had overtime at work, so I had to leave early today so that I would not be in trouble with the payroll office. One of the employees in my building asked me to cover the reception desk for an hour so that she could get her work done. I honestly didn’t mind because all my work was done for the day, and being at the desk gives me a little break from doing recreation stuff for a little while. The only thing I asked was to make sure she came back on time because I had to clock out to avoid overtime. I also had plans that I didn’t want to be late for. Of course I should have known that it wasn’t going to happen like that. Now 15 extra minutes might not seem like a big deal, but it was to me. It just goes to show that people really must think I am a doormat. I wasnt mad at her, just disappointed. A simple phone call letting me know she was going to be a little late would have made everything okay. I got no phone call, and I didn’t get relieved for another few minutes until I saw the night receptionist come in the building. I didn’t even know the other woman wasnt going to show back up. The sad part about it is the woman doesn;t even know that I am ticked off. Ugh, and then while I was sitting at the desk, one of the night shift CNA’s came up to the desk to order food, and she asked me to use the desk phone because she had no minutes on her cell phone. Usually no one other than the receptionist is supposed to use that phone, but I let her because I felt bad. Ordering food doesn’t take long so I didn’t mind. This girl was on the phone for so long, trying to order the food, and talking to her friends in the lobby, all while like 4 other phone lines were ringing. I kept telling her I needed to answer all these business calls, but she blatantly disregarded me. When she finally got off the phone, she put it down and didn’t even look at me and just walked away. Of course no thank you, sorry, anything. Like I said in the beginning, these things are definitely not a big deal, but I damn sure know that these people would not treat others the same way they treat me. I observe it all day. Not just at work, but everywhere. It all comes down to simple manners which I suppose many people are lacking these days.
I’ve certainly dug myself a nice hole. I recall saying no very few times, but those times I did, people treated me differently for a while. I really need to start re-evaluating myself and the things I extend myself to do. Although I do not want to change who I am I need to change how many things I allow myself to do. I want to continue to help people and be a nice person but I just do not want to be known as a pushover. All these little things add up to a lot.
I don’t want to be known as a rambler, so the last thing for this installment is the rare times when I actually ask for something, or ask for help. You should see the looks people give me. Simple stuff as asking for a band-aid, helping me push someone, asking a simple question. It’s always seems like such a chore. Thuis is why I try not to ask for help to often because I would not want to be a burden for anyone. This is also why I try to do everything myself and get myself all worked up. My supervisor even told me to slow down today and that I didn’t have to do everything. Coming from her, I tried to take the rest of the day easy. But since that aggravating phone situation happened I couldn’t really de-stress myself. Anyway, this is why people can find me frequently frazzled but soon I will be taking my vacation, and when I come back I am hoping for a fresh start. It will be a slow change, but it something that I need to do for my own sanity.
purpletiff 